Today has come and I am in "getting-prepared" mode. Today, I cut my fingernails back so they will not collect extra germs, enabling me to get hand sanitizer into the most important 'germ-holding' parts easier. Today, I clean my bedroom with the "germ-free" sanitizing cloths that my daughter bought for me in bulk in January. Today, I am eating up the fresh peaches that Scott bought me like crazy this past month. Soon, too soon, I will give up all fresh fruits and vegetables again.
Today and tomorrow, I am relishing my last cups of coffee for a while. They haven't told me I could not have coffee this chemo round, but after learning what coffee did to make my body not accept the chemo so readily last time, I think I need to give this chemo the best chance and walk away from the bitter cup for three months.
I don't want to do another preparation day like this again in my life.
I have my eye on the prize, and I am moving steadily to stepping back into chemo.
I cannot tell you on how many levels I don't want to do this. By the time I am done with this chemo round, and then done with radiation, this cancer treatment will have taken up all of my time for thirteen months. Over a year of my life devoted to fighting this. Over a year of Scott's life devoted to fighting this. Over a year of my kids life helping out and fighting this.
I so do not want to step back into this, and that may seem to be because I am dreading the chemo. Kind of, but what has Scott and me downright fearful, downright "skeered", is the fact that they have promised me at least three days of steroids after each treatment.
Think "Incredible Hulk". Think *mild mannered* (smile, hey it's my blog and I can enter viewpoints that I like at times even if not altogether true), happy to be here, smiling and chatting Karen all of a sudden bursting out of her blankets, turning a tremendous green and growling and talking louder and needing restraint - that's kind of my experience on steroids for ONE day - so we believe we have every right to be downright frightful.
As I type Scott may very well be looking up the word "straight-jacket" on the amazon.com website. I have no trouble imagining "straight jacket + gag" in that search box. And trust me, I would be on board with it all - like the Incredible Hulk, I have little control after being dosed. I had little control the last chemo round after they lowered my steroid dose to well under what they are going to give me this time around, for three days.
All of that aside, the worst part of steroids, is the crash. Each week I could feel the IV steroids start to wear off, and I knew I had just enough time to get into bed and cover up with two down blankets, one comforter that my mother had made years ago, and two fleece blankets - because the crash after steroids was like walking into a freezer locker and having the door shut behind you - you were in and there was no escape for a few hours. The nurses called it "steroid withdrawal", I just called it hell. The symptoms were very close to shock symptoms - trembling and shaking and freezing cold. And insult to injury, they said part of that scenario was the fact that as the steroids withdraw from your body, your chemo sees opportunity and rises up and slaps you hard.
I'm not looking forward to that almost eight hour time stretch again.
My "anonymous-mail-gifter" sent another gift, and the message was:
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." Mahtma Gandhi.
I have always wanted to study Gandhi. I have read snippits, some pieces and parts and always greatly admired it all, but that was on my list to dive into after I was done with my Russian authors.
For the time being, I have to be happy with the "snippets".
But that has been on my treadmill for two weeks now, and I chew it over as I plod along. That and my "fighter songs" remind me to hold my head up and my shoulders back no matter how it feels. It reminds me to stand up and fight. It reminds me to dig deep and find some resolve that has been hidden away for a bit.
So as I'm working today in small bursts, I have my "fighter" song list up. I have used it a lot for my walk time on the treadmill. In fact, hearing those songs now in that order makes my body get active.
Kind of like Pavlov's dogs maybe.
As the song list was playing, they always suggest other songs for you to click on, and I clicked on one I had not listened to in maybe twenty-five years.
It's a little haunting and sad and yet reaffirming all at the same time, and that's how I'm feeling about going back into this chemo.
I don't want to, and there is not the urgency about this chemo as there was with the first six months, but on the other hand, I want to because every bump on my bones, every bump in my knotted arm, every bump suddenly takes on new significance - it needs to be looked at and examined and sometimes x-rayed or they place you in that wonderful cave for an MRI.
So I welcome this extra re-assurance. I welcome it in a "choosing to surrender to the Americans or Red Russian Army" kind of way in this war I'm stuck in the middle of.
As I am marching towards Yom Kippur, I found out that the ten days before that Holy Day are used to go around to all of the ones that you may have offended, or may have sinned against, or may unintentionally hurt, and those ten days especially every year are used for a chance to repent and make right.
Of course, the dialogue in my brain says I should be doing that all of the time, and I do try, but there is something about having a day set aside for making sure your soul is cleansed and pure before God. There's something about taking advantage of those ten days to really seek and scour it all out. There's something about laying that need for cleansing and purification before One that can take care of it all. There's something about seeking it, finding it, treating it, then purging it that sounds all very familiar to me in my medical war.
It's like thinking you cannot have cancer, then finding out you do, and then submitting to the seeking and testing and poison you have to accept into your body to cleanse it from all of that.
It's not pretty on either war front.
So as I have been singing this song over and over in my brain, I am thinking of "Deliverer" in different ways - the Deliverer of releasing a repentant soul from build up of sin over time, and then of course what weights my soul - Deliverer from plague, from the leaven that easily takes over the whole bread dough, delivered from the evil growing within me.
It has to all be knocked down after thorough examination and hurtful treatments, it's all kind of the same in my mind.
And then we celebrate our Deliverance.
Jehovah is Our Deliverer, http://youtu.be/1QS7c7kUy80
Let all who know the Lord as their God
Bow before Him and worship
And lift your voice and tremble before Him
Jehovah is our Deliverer
Hallelujah, We praise the name of Jehovah
Behold Him now
In all of His glory
King of Kings forever
Arise and see His glorious power
Jesus reigns as our Savior
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
We praise the name of Jehovah
***
Another song that I've turned to today is in Isaiah, which I have been listening to over and over again on my audio Bible, and this one goes through my head.
My usual song taste turns towards Led Zeppelin, or the U2 Rattle and Hum, but this "softer" sound holds me today.
So, an 'indomitable will' quote from a different religion; strength, soul-song, and Deliverer all keep going through my brain this past week as I feel like I was walking towards something I was dreading - but needing - it's all wrapped up to fortify me and make me ready.
Ready for both.
Behold God, Strength and Song, http://youtu.be/c1UFzi4JCqA
Isaiah 12
You will say in that day:
"I will give thanks to you, O Lord,
for though you were angry with me,
your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.
Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the Lord God is my strength and my song,
and He has become my salvation.
With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day:
"Give thanks to the Lord,
call upon His name,
make known His deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that His name is exalted.
"Sing praises to the Lord, for He has done gloriously;
let this be made known in all the earth.
Shout and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion,
for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel."
***
Then, I'm planning to celebrate. This is on my Fighter list:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJ0WyPAELsk&feature=share&list=PLB028EB324D5948BC
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