cousins and all

This is me, in my way-cool t-shirt at Kristi's house - with a little eyebrow 'drawn' on - ready to go for my long day at the cancer treatment center yesterday.  

***

Growing up I had boat-loads of cousins.  I didn't know all of them at times as my parents had a "second" family later in life of which I was part of, making most of my cousins almost a generation older than me. 

I didn't see my older siblings all that much, who would have probably connected me more to my older cousins, so I have spent a lifetime being around people that remember me when I was young, all things of which I have little recall. 

It makes me a little uneasy at times as it is odd to realize that they know me, and probably held me and played with me when I was young, but I don't 'know' them.  As with most families, 'drive time' and other things took out a lot of visits as I got older and would have 'polished' those connections better. 

But they are a loving group of people.

My mother's family is a pretty cohesive unit and they don't let little things like distance - we live two and a half hours away from most of them - or me being a huge introvert and a little overwhelmed at family reunions - stop them from time after time reaching out to me and embracing me as family. 

I so love how they continue to live out my grandmother's legacy of "family first".

I get the coolest letters every so often from my cousin Shirley.  Her mother, my Aunt Zilpha, was diagnosed at age 85 with breast cancer.  As far as I know, she is my only other relative with that diagnosis.  To her, that was kind of a "blink" in her life - she lived zealously 14 years after that.  I loved her and her excellent recall of family history and could listen to her stories for hours.  Shirley reminds me of some of those stories in her letters and it is such a comfort and a connection to ones I hold dear. 

My Aunt Faye has had numerous health issues and maybe been in the hospital more than me lately, but has faithfully sent me cards and campaigned on my behalf with her family and friends to help us out, and I don't know how she does all that she does. 

It's like she has an invisible tattoo that says "care".  Care about those that you held when little.  Care about those that are sick.  Care about those that hurt.  She has a large family and the best excuses that anyone could produce at her age and her level of busy-ness. 

But I get regular cards and encouragement from her. 

My one cousin, Kay, set up a "T-Shirt" drive, or a "shout-out" for me if you will.  She asked all of my cousins to send me a t-shirt as I had mentioned in my blog once that I wasn't sure I had enough t-shirts for errant nose bleeds and such.  She and her husband, Joe, have done much to keep family relatives close and when something happens to one of us, she makes it known to the rest. 

She wants us all to care.   

Joe has been battling cancer for four years.  He is pretty amazing and quite a standard set for me to live up to on days that I feel like whining.  In fact, my mother was a little put-out when I told her I had no control over being at the benefit last week as that was all under the part of my life titled "Doctor's Orders" and my blood work results that week.  When I realized she was not believing that, I also threw in the fact that it was my third chemo day of the week and that last day was kind of a hammer, but she was nonplussed and said "well I think Kay and Joe are going to be there - Joe must handle his chemo better"........ see me smiling here, Joe.  Sigh. 

I never realized how nice it was to get cards and small packages in the mail.  Or restated:  I never knew when you were isolated and unable to carry on conversations and unable to read mostly and unable to interact easily because it took my brain five minutes to catch up -- I never knew how nice it was to get little packages - and sometimes big packages - in the mail.  My sister that lives 2,500 miles from me is like a rock star in this arena - but I have always been "too busy" with working and kids and sports-sitting and sicknesses and such.

Those are pretty pathetic reasons, but I never realized the importance of it all until I had to live it. 

They started to show up.  I have a bright yellow t-shirt from my cousin Nancy from her workplace in Cambridge that I use to walk outside in if the weather is hot.  (I tend to "drift" when walking, so I think the bright yellow will help a car see me in the middle of the road easier.)  There have been others that are cancer related that I pull out and layer on some days - I tend to load up on clothes in the morning, then start taking off layers after noon, then put back on, then take off - so they have come in very handy.

I usually wear the first layer close to my skin turned inside out, as my 'chemo-skin' crawls now when feeling seams or tags or anything else it might think a nuisance.  I'm just throwing this in here, because I forget I do it some days, and when I am down to the last layer some seeing it think my brain just took a permanent vacation and want to refer me kindly to the loony-bin. 

Zoe walked in one day and saw it and her eyes got really big as she is now all things "proper-ways-to-dress" and she pointed it out to me.  I told her my skin doesn't like to feel the tags and seams now, and she looked at me admiringly - like I had just confirmed what she knew to be correct but was not allowed to do - and said enthusiastically "MY SKIN TOO!" 

***

All that aside, I have a whole new appreciation for those that take time to do kind things for other people, then actually get them to the post office and mailed.

I also have a whole new appreciation for my extended family. That's something that is becoming more and more uncommon and rare, and the legacy that has been passed down in my mother's family is pretty awesome. 

My Uncle Clarence upon seeing me at the annual family reunion, could recount each one I had been to, and then filled me in on the ones that I had missed, all with that wonderful laugh of his and a loving smile on his face -- and a nudge from his elbow encouraging me to "get there more - I was missing out".  (they all have pretty excellent memories.....) 

A couple of years ago, our daughter Kristi sensing that we were getting too far apart from each other in our own family, called and said "let's make an effort to get together once a month".   It was the greatest thing and we hope to continue that again soon. 

The importance of that has been set in their brains as well. 

The t-shirt in the picture is actually, and this is a little embarrassing, but it is actually from a set of pajamas that my niece Catherine mailed to me from Oregon.  I have worn it quite a bit on days I need to remember "my-fighting-Irish-DNA-within" and she has always reminded me of the flawless beautiful fair skin you see from those smiling Irish beauties.  But I love the slogan so much, that I decided I needed to share it with my nurse-buddies at the Stephanie Speilman Center yesterday. 

They loved it.

So did everyone in the elevator.  So did the ones checking me in.  In fact the one young lady scanning my insurance card in her office told me "you really are rocking that hat and t-shirt today!!"  (They are awfully nice there...) 

This week especially, I have been grappling for a word that is deeper than thank-you.  I haven't found it yet.   So, I thank you all.  I haven't been on top of the thank you cards going out and for that I apologize, but you all have been awesome through all of this. 

***

I googled some quotes, because unlike my extended family, I have little memory left.  These folks say it maybe better than me:  

The family is both the fundamental unit of society as well as the root of culture. It ... is a perpetual source of encouragement, advocacy, assurance, and emotional refueling that empowers a child to venture with confidence into the greater world and to become all that he can be.
MARIANNE E. NEIFERT

Family traditions counter alienation and confusion. They help us define who we are; they provide something steady, reliable and safe in a confusing world.

SUSAN LIEBERMAN

And my favorite on the website I checked:  

There is an interconnectedness among members that bonds the family, much like mountain climbers who rope themselves together when climbing a mountain, so that if someone should slip or need support, he's held up by the others until he regains his footing.

PHIL McGRAW