Rough Wednesdays

I made it into chemo today by the skin of my teeth.

The Grans Absolute line has to be 1,000 - mine was exactly 1,000.

My white blood cells were walking the tight rope over Niagara Falls and almost knocked me out.  'They' can't give me anything to make my white blood cells behave since I am still in the study, so that was a slide into second base that everyone held their breath while waiting for the umpire to yell "SAFE".  They did a few replays to make sure it was a good call. 

But, the worst showing today blood-wise, was my hemoglobin.  It had a rather dramatic drop.

Think dropping over Niagara Falls and hitting the rocks below kind of drop.....



They give you an extra bracelet for that.  And a two bag blood transfusion lasting over four hours.......

My red blood cells should be repairing as I type.  With someone else's blood.  Because my bone marrow is just hanging out with the naughty, rebellious teenagers smoking and drinking and throwing tomatoes behind the barn.

Wasting away. 

BUT -- BUT -- they  still let me get the chemo with all of that.  We left home this morning at 7:15am and got home around 8:20pm.  

It was a long day.

I was thinking this past week that my blood might be tanking a little bit, but was also *feeling better* with the lesser dose of chemo.  Even I - even I, was surprised when I saw the black and white blood work results this morning.

They were pretty lame.

The nurses kept coming back in wanting to know my fatigue level and I was just kind of thinking I had been a little lazy this past week - I slept in until 10:30 yesterday morning, then laid down and listened to most of Numbers in the afternoon.

But Monday evening, Chloe and Zoe and Scotty had come down and helped Scott plant some garden, we had been outside, I even pulled a few weeds and was tired, but it was a good tired.

Last weekend was carbo weekend, and I lived through it rather - well - quite well.  I kept pinching myself thinking even though I was tired, I could still move;  my internal organs were not blasting themselves all over the place; my head and brain did not threaten to spontaneously-combust.  It wasn't the best week ever, but not the worst by a long shot comparatively speaking.

Looking back, a big clue this past week for my poor blood showing, might have been the fact that it was the first time that I had been given  pre-med steroids, and came home and fell asleep by 10pm last Wednesday.  That's never happened before when "juicing".   Never.  The earliest I can go to sleep with IV steroids flowing through my blood stream is 3:30am.  Usually it's 5am.  But never 10pm. 

Sherlock Holmes putting the clues together in Karen's brain has taken a vacation. 

I know Julie tried to prepare me for next week by asking me if I wanted to try to get my blood work done the day before again...... Even though my hemoglobin should come up dramatically this next week if I had a good donor, she said my white blood cells would still be a bit "iffy". 

Four more treatments.  Four more treatments.  Four more treatments.

And my bone marrow is AWOL.  

***

I woke up from my sweet weekly IV Benadryl induced nap and my throat was parched dry.  Like, it's never been that dry before.  Like I was walking through a desert dry and had been swallowing-sand-dry.

Actually, I think Moses, and the Hebrews and their long walk after leaving Egypt recorded in Numbers yesterday stayed with me today and I was dreaming about it all.  But to wake up and be that parched was a little alarming.

The nurse said it was the Benadryl.   And also, they have no clue how much water I really drink, so I am always a little dehydrated while there because I just can't tank up enough with their mini 8oz bottles of water.  I had six of theirs, then Scott went down and bought me a 16oz bottle, but that is kind of just my starting point at the daily watering hole.

But after spending a good amount of time yesterday listening to the Hebrew nation time and time and time again complain about Moses, complain about God, being afraid He would not continue to do what He had done miraculously time after time in front of their very eyes - I listened to that and kept thinking, and praying - "God don't let that be me".

Because it's kind of annoying after a while to listen to someone who had been shown a lot of miracles and should have built up a lot of trust because they had seen the awesomeness of God's finger time after time - after all of that it's kind of annoying to hear them - well there's no nice way to say this - *whine*.

Whether it's the Hebrews or Karen.  

Chapter after chapter, they continually threw down the gains and blessings they had been given like children with broken toys on Christmas day - and *complained*.  Ugh. 

I had a chance to try that suit on today, and I was glad I had taken the time yesterday to think that all over.  I don't like the situation I'm in, and I know it doesn't look good on some levels.  I'm frustrated at my body's response.  I'm upset with my bone marrow.  I do everything I am supposed to do, and it doesn't seem to help.

And because of my blood counts I am facing one. more. week. of. isolation. and. weariness.   

But on the other hand, God has shown me *wings* in a lonely desolate exam room my first day at the James Cancer Center.  He put an angel in my path when I was doubting my doctor some, and not wanting to lean on friends as much as I needed to - and she responded to all that I was dealing with that week and reminded me "it was going to be ok".

He has given me awesome nurses that continue to go the extra mile to help me medically.  Time after time.  

I have holy friends that have listened to me weep and prop me up - time after time.

There are two Godly men that are committed to a long drive every couple of weeks to pray over us for healing.   

He has shown us great and mighty things in a lot of people doing a Benefit for me - and heaven help me if I ever forget what He prompted a lot of people to do in creating community and Shalom for some storm-weary folks on this journey of life we are walking.

It is so awesome that I am still dumbfounded every time I think on it. 

God has given me manna in the desert, and I hope I never tell Him it's not good enough and I want meat.   God has given me water from a rock when it looked like I might perish from thirst.  God has given me His very words to think over and hear time and time again.

And use as a lesson for my life journey. 

He has used people around us to create Shalom and trust and faith and belief, and helped us hold on when the storm and darkness threatened to overwhelm us.

They have created a 'shade' and 'guarded' us and 'kept' us.  

He has not told me how this is all going to work out.  But He is leading with His mighty hand - the Jews say He can do all of that - Egypt and the Desert and/or Karen and the Desert - with the little finger of His hand.   That's why some of them lift their little finger when repeating the "Shema" or "Schma!"twice a day - upon rising and upon lying down.  It's the first Scripture they teach to their children. 

Shema

Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One. (the Lord alone).

Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

And I pray that I do just that.  And remember His mighty deeds whether past or present or future.  And take a tip from those ancient Hebrews and have a little faith and trust and belief that my God is with me - wherever my journey ends.  Or begins.  Or walks. 






This is a "PS" - look what RVL posted today.....


http://followtherabbi.com/site/shema