by the rivers of Babylon

Some days are just bad because they defy most logic; and hopes that you had pinned all over your soul mock you and float too easily away..... I had done everything within my power to make it to week 3 of chemo treatment, and I failed.

My naughty neutrophils failed. And they weren't the only ones in my body getting ready to sneak over the side of the ship - my WBC, RBC, hemoglobin, hematocrit and yes - insult to injury - I find my very platelet count is tying on it's life vest in front of my very eyes.

I found that as much as I did not want to walk into that hospital yesterday, I wanted to walk out even less.

I knew in a flash what it all meant - it meant that even though those evil conquerors that were determined to take over my body a few short weeks ago had been slapped into a shaky line of obedience, and some had even begun to flee; they had regrouped quickly and boldly staged a coup. They were boldly stepping out, saying "look, we brought along some other comrades as well"....

I knew my window of opportunity to crush that enemy was closing a little bit fast, and I was off the battle plan and there could be severe consequences. .

I knew it all in an instant, and like Ezekiel when he got to the rivers of Babylon, I sat on that hospital bed and wept.

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion.
There on the poplars
we hung our harps,
for there our captors asked us for songs,
our tormentors demanded songs of joy;
they said, “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!”

If you are looking for nice "Christian-ese" from me, or are demanding nice songs of joy, read no more. I, like Ezekiel, wept and mourned, for it seems for this moment, my enemy has overtaken me. I hung my harp in the poplar tree and sat down and mourned for Zion.

But Nurse Kim who is studying to be a pastor, knows a "harp hanger" when she sees one and she pushed me back in to my room as we were packing and leaving and she closed the door. All 5 foot one inch of her.

She prayed that God would see our tears and hear our weeping and that we would mourn and raise our heads up. She prayed for my healing; prayed for Scott pouring himself out like an offering, giving the care; she prayed again that I would hold my head up and that the battle would be the Lord's.

We went to the car and got on the wrong exit. We got to Kristi's house to pack up our belongings and found we had locked ourselves out. We started on the road home, and the "CHECK ENGINE LIGHT" came on after we had oiled, lubed and rotated it last week to the tune of $86..... We have put over $1,200 of repair in that car yet it is demanding more......

We felt two steps and 3 miles away from imminent disaster.

We turned on the 'oldies' station and the happy "I can see clearly now the rain is gone" was playing. We came home to a pile of new bills.

But woven through all of this was the knowledge that God put His people, His help continuously in our path yesterday.

A co-worker left her job to drive a 40 minute round trip so she could press a button and open a garage door for us. She didn't even get out of the car, but waved and asked us if we needed anything else, and drove back to work - she was on the company dime - but as a huge favor she did this for Kristi's folks.

Our son sent us a text reminding me that he is O-negative blood and wanted to know if a blood transfusion would help. My own son's blood to strengthen mine.

We stopped at Heidi's on the way home for a short visit and one cannot be sad when there are two mighty wee ones full of happiness and lunch. They luxuriously held up their mini tacos and told the many and intricate glories of those food items, as they wolf down their restricted diet and know even though they cannot eat half the things they see their friends eating, there are still good things in the world.....

One of Heidi's friends in Florida had sent a box for me - full of books and chocolates - she is a professional writer, but had been reading my blog and sent a box that could not have been more timely. I was blessed and humbled all at once.

Friends sent texts and emails, and I cannot explain how much those words were soothing balm to the open wound in my soul. They were perfect timing and made me cry tears that need to come out to start to mend what is broken down.

A friend stopped in to talk with Scott and just listen - he is so strong but so scared, he needed a kindly ear.

So as I was thinking the journey could not get much worse - it didn't.

Somehow through all the junk along the mournful way, God wove people - His people that I am learning I need - because I am an introvert of introverts and I am usually the one to do the care-giving - but God has put us in this place of learning *community*.

Those people He wants to be in a community with each other and help each other and hold one another up when we are too weak to do that ourselves - He wove those people into that tapestry of pain and hurt and mourning yesterday and made it into one that had threads of gold all interwoven into it.

He sent ones to sit beside us on that River in Babylon, and even though there are those that would have us *laugh* at this chaos and *sing for joy* at the torments in our soul, He sent ones in the spirit of Ezekiel to sit down beside us along that river and mourn and ones to apply balm to our weary souls and ones to pray over us and help shield us.

The rabbi I listened to in the car yesterday said there are three things we are supposed to be: the second one is "shade".

God has given me a community of "shade" to sit beside me those days I am by the Rivers in Babylon. They are a foreign place that I do not know and I feel so lost and alone on that river bank - and I know Zion is far away - yet the shade covers me.

Thank you all.