This week

A few bits of information to clarify some things, now that I understand them better.

I am doing weekly chemo treatments. Two of my 3 chemo drugs are IV. The tablet is the chemo pill for the trial I am in.

My week basically looks like this:
The first Wednesday of each chemo cycle is considered D1. There are 21 days in each cycle. I will have 6 cycles.

One of the IV chemo drugs is Taxal. I will have that each week. The second IV chemo drug is Carbo and I get that every 21 days. Thankfully. It's a mean, nasty dog. The third drug is "Ro" which I take Wednesday, Thursday and Friday each week, the same exact time each day. They are a bit fussy that way with their new wonder drug.....

Friday appears to be the "slam into the mountain day" or as a friend calls it "how high of a window do I want to throw myself out of" day. It's like a bad flu, or a slim grade above comatose - it seems to take great energy to just blink my eyes or turn my head; I think of it as "just let me hibernate in a deep cave and please don't touch me anywhere" day. It hurts all over - my teeth even hurt....

Saturday, I feel like I can climb out of bed late morning, and actually start to feel like my body may want to rebuild a little after all - when it appeared just a few short hours before that my good cells had cowardly conceded the fight and were packing minimal belongings in their saddle bags, grabbing the fastest horse out of Dodge....

Logically, one would think Sunday to be a step farther down the road to happy cell rebuild. It is, but just when I am getting all "positive" it seems to sneak up on me and surprise me - I'm emotional; I cannot stand smells; I get nauseous; but I do feel better.

Then Monday, I wake up and my body is just happy to be here. Tuesday, I kind of feel half normal again and then Wednesday -- we start all over again.

Wednesday's do not seem half bad tho - the steroids at the right dose actually help you to feel better than you do. I'm guessing that "steroid-bump" wears off sometime Thursday afternoon, and then your poor body is left once again in Hiroshima, trying to survive the blast and drag itself to start cleanup again.

Don't worry - you will not be the first to call me a little melodramatic....

I'm in the third week of my first cycle. This is the week I am least looking forward to (I mean, other than the other 15 weeks after this) as I am slated to be at OSU for a 12 hour day on Wednesday, which is fine, half a day on Thursday - and their "half a day" can mean anything from 3 hours to 7.5 hours; but FRIDAY, 12 hours again. Yeah, the same FRIDAY after chemo that is "SLAM ME INTO THE MOUNTAIN AND HIBERNATE ME DAY" - that I do not look forward to spending with others on a miserable bed in a wing with miserable smells. They also want me back on Saturday - I am guessing Scott is going to have to tie me to a chair and bring me in "granny-style", maybe even kicking and hollering a bit, too. Have your cameras ready.

I'm trying to decide what to pack - if anyone has a nasty "I hate IV chemicals" t-shirt handy with a bad hand signal - I'll take it. Don't get me wrong - I'm hanging with the Lord through this whole thing - but I am not above any t-shirt stating my deep heartfelt sentiments about the levels of suckiness of this treatment.... So, what to pack?

This is the week my hair is supposed to start to fall out - so I'm guessing a big box of tissue. This is the week they are watching for "bleed outs" anywhere in your body - nose, esophagus, digestive - I mean what - 10 extra sets of clothes so your bloody t-shirts don't make the new patients turn around and walk out before they even start treatment??

I don't have that many t-shirts anyways.....

I'm guessing they might be reconsidering me as "Trial Member #6" at any rate -- I have acquired a bladder infection right off the bat. They set me up with a heart monitor for important stats to note in their "Trial Data" and I dropped the plastic battery pack in the toilet. I would strongly suggest to them for the sake of mercy and future-non-toileted battery packs to not do that on a Friday after chemo Wednesday for "Trial Member #7".....

I am supposed to be avoiding all germs while my platelets are low and I am sleeping with a battery pack leaking toilet water all night long.....

They may not want me back for this week.

My daughter gave me the most luscious box of chocolates last week, and I think I heard the nurse say something like "yeah, it's so hard to go off of coffee and sugar". My brain starts to do an immediate back data search on any of the information in the 342 pages they gave me listing sugar as an enemy combatant.... i don't remember seeing that. I didn't see the coffee warning either, tho.....

I.simply.did.not.question.it. I came home and ate that whole little box of luscious chocolates on Thursday. And I felt remarkably good.

I may not be good "study" material after all...

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All idle musings aside, I beg you, if you think of me, please pray for me. I believe in a God that hears.

I am dreading this - but know I can get through it and know Who's wings I am hiding under. I am "replenishing" myself today to try and kick this bladder infection before getting down there. Nothing would feel better today than a nice hot bath, but those are taboo as well.

Pray for God's protective bubble over me. Pray that I will stay sick-free for the next 18 weeks. This kind of cancer responds well to chemo - the first go-around, then it becomes resistant and harder to treat. I want to get through this and not have anything happen to set back my treatment.

I know a God who if He chooses, can mercifully do that.

Lose my hair? not easy, but 18 weeks. Miss my job? A lot, but 18 weeks. Miss my dear sweet grand babies more than my heart can tell? I cry, but 18 weeks. Miss my kids and their day-to-day lives? Immensely. But it's 18 weeks. Miss restaurant meals and shopping? After all of this, it doesn't even register on the meter.... it's 18 weeks.

I have set my face like a flint towards that goal - if I have to be germ paranoid for 16 more weeks so I don't lose any chemo time, I can do it. Or better said, God can do it for me.

In my mind's eye I see myself as little Millie-bean when she is getting tired - she grabs her bunny, her blanket and just comes and stands beside me wanting to be picked up. When I pick her up she tucks her arms under herself to snuggle in closer and lays her head tight on my shoulder. I wrap her blanket around her and all is good in her world and she rests.

That's what I am doing with God these days -- I just bring my weary self, stand beside Him and He wraps me in the folds of His robe, under His wings and I snuggle in and rest.